Friday, 15 January 2016

Roddy D's beyond parody obit bit.

- See yer man died?

- The Ziggy fella? Again?

- Nah, another one died, the guy from Die Hard, the german fella.

- Sure, I thought he died ages ago.

- Nah, not him.

- Surprised fallin offova buildin' wouldn't kill the man.

- Nah, wharraya talkin about, it was cancer what killed him.

- Did he get that from fallin off the buildin like?!

- Wha?


- Jaysus, I thought the fall'd do it alright. D'ye think he'd've died if he'd abseiled down? It's a german word so it shoulda been the german thing to do.

- Wha? Course not, you don't die if ye abseil.

- So, what about fallin off a buildin gives ye cancer? The, howsit, "accelerated descent"?

- He didn't fall off a buildin!

- Well he didn't abseil! Right, "got dropped off" then, whatever. Sure, wasn't it on at christmas again. Great film all the same. Musta dozed off during the cancer bit. A classic, like.

- No doubt.

- Curse the begrudgers! Shame it took us all this time to find out how it ended though. Thought the fall killed 'im though.

- No, yer man who played him died.

- Which man?

- Rickman.

- Rick who?

- Alan.

- So, yer man, Rick Alan?

- No, yer man, Alan Rickman.

- Didja ever stop to think that we are a couple of characters, aren't we? With this banter and all like?

- Sure, I'd pat ye on the the back if I had a hand.

- Where's that gone?

- Sure, haven't we been, as the scholars say, eating ourselves for a while now?

- And we don't taste of our mammies coddle, that's fer sure.

- It's a dull straw taste...

- Just 2 straw lads, sharing 2 pints.

- But it sounds like somethin' we'd say, doesn't it. The lads propping up the bar, all whimsy and muddled insight?

- Ah, sure we're definitely us.

- To the end.

- Sure, if we were real and someone wrote down what we said no one'd believe it. But we're not us, so if we say something then it'd sound like something we would say if we were real so it must be true.

- Feels true.

- Top banter.

- Wolfe Tones.

- Ronnie Drew.

- Here. Didja read that buuk I lent ye?

- Which one? The Snapper? Ulysses?

- No, The Road?

- By yer man who wrote that book about de lovely horses?

- All The Pretty Horses.

- Nah, I could never tell who was talking, it was all over the gaff. I preferred the pretty horses when they were in that song on that show with that grey haired fella.

- He's dead.

- No?

- He is.

- So he won't be doin' that funeral like?

- Not yer man, the fella who played yer man.

- Here, did we ever have any top quality banter about that one?

- Sure, we weren't around then. But if we did, it woulda been. Irish lad, it'd be rude not ta.

- But we weren't around? Aren't we the aul' lads that're always here?

- We are.

- But we weren't here then?

- We were always here - Just not then.

- It's like that filum then? With the hotel?

- Ye wha?

- And that Johnny fella that bursts through the door?

- The Shining?

- Tha's the one. Are our likenesses captured, through the panning of the camera, on a picture upon the afore-unmentioned wall? Inscribed with a date long before our apparent time?

- There isn't. But if we were then there would be.

- So, let me get this straight - we're here because we aren't here but it seems like we would be.

- Aye.

- And if we WERE actually here then we couldn't be here because no one would believe that we were.

- That's the one.

- Isn't it a shame that we're here and yer man isn't?

- Which man?

- Any of them really.

- I thought of a good David Bowie song for the occasion.

- Go on.

- Can't. It's a really good, but it's for the Rick-fella, so it'd only get confusing.

- S'pose so. Give each their time.

- Ye know what I've always wondered?

- No.

- Are we the modern Beckett?

- I've been here so long I hardly know my own name, wha!

- Our ruminations, they're quite 'of the style'.

- Of?

- Sam Beckett.

- Great show.

- Ye wha?

- Where he jumps into the bodies of all of them history time? "Oh boy" and alla that.

- No, not that one. The other one.

- That Al fella? Or his computer?

- No, whar I mean is...

- Ziggy! Tha's what he called the computer, isn't that what you were askin' earlier?

- Was I?

- I can't tell, it was quite a while ago.

- Banter.

- Luke Kelly.

- Dev.

- But it was, but it was the other fella I meant.

- Ziggy?

- No, the other one.

- It can't have been one of us, sure aren't we not.

- We are indeed.

- Class like. Isn't that what they say?

- But, we were talking about Quantum Leap...

- Nah, it was Die Hard.

- Which is better? Did Die Hard ever do an episode set at the Rising?

- No.

- Quantum Leap it is so.

- They didn't do one either.

- No, it was yer man with the hat. The whip.

- I wouldn't be inta that sorta thing meself, whatever you want in yer own home though.

- No, that was the Indiana Jones in the Rising.

- Any relation to the Jones's doin the winda cleanin'?

- Nah, think his da was Scottish.

- But he was in the Rising.

- Yer man was in that too.

- Which man?

- The one who died.

- The german?

- Yes, only he wasn't german.

- Good, I think yer Jones man hates germans. Why did it have to be germans? so 'e says t'me.

- No, yer man who died, he was Dev from that Rising filum.

- I'm no school'ed historianologist, but Dev's long dead.

- No, yer man, he just died there this week.

- Jaysus, I woulda thought he was long gone.

- No, yer man from the Rising was the german!

- No, yer man from the Rising HATES germans. And snakes. Can't bear the sighta them wriggly fellas meself.

- I liked 'im.

- The germans or the snakes?

- The man. He was Dev and the german lad.

- Was he a vampire or sumthin'?

- Nah, he was a wizard I think. Never say that one though. Based on some books.

- Sure, if it's in a book it must be true. Sure, I might just read up on 'im.

- Rick?

- Alan.

- He was some character but wha.

- Not as much of a character as us.

- Pint?

- Sure, I'm partial to a few scoops are ye know.

- I do.

- Where'reya headin'?

- Jax.

- But who'll I speak te if you're not here.

- If I'm not here, we're not.

- I am.

- We'll see.

- I will.

- See what?



- Didja see yer man on the telly?

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