Seagulls, you guys. Motherf**kin' seagulls are everywhere and the weight on their existence is threatening to collapse our society from above - we're mere days away from the roof of our delicate home falling in with a feathery, squawking, bird-sh*t saturated thud.
Newspaper are filled with tales of terrified grannies having their phones stolen, tourists run screaming out of our streets, and innocent people inconvenienced by their bird calls.
But what can we do?
We all know that moments after that gull stole that phone from an innocent granny he was probably down in CEX on Liffey Street trying to sell it (and the sob story that he'd "lost his charger") before donning a wig and going to collect his second welfare payment from the post office because when that dirty foreign scrounger came over here he was just biding his time before he used the reverse-guilt-trip of "sure, they all look alike" to his favour to defraud our welfare system!
Or maybe he was looking to distribute the pilfered phone to anti-water charge thugs so that they could video TDs trapped in their cars, every angle of the car covered by video footage, every inch of its surface covered in seagull sh*t. Those birds must be laughing their bl**din' holes off at us honest Irish folk, their victims!
When not content being the scourge of the air, terrifying the battle hardened people of Dublin who shouldn't have to fear the outside world, they are the scourge of our roads. Many seagulls are double-jobbing as taxi drivers, using forged taxi plates. They are no longer content with taking food from the hands of people in parks, but are now taking money from the pockets of honest taxi drivers on our roads.
Sure, some people might look at Stephen's Green after a sunny day and see the litter from dozen of visitors, discarded cans from daytime booze hounds, discarded sandwiches from sun-baked workers too busy running back to the office after lunch to use a bin. As a people we are within our right to treat our country as a waste-dump, idly sh*tting over every public space, but these dirty birds just want to take what we have given so freely to the ground. Where do they get off?!
I'll tell you where they get off - because seagulls are SEA-gulls, not urban-gulls! No. They get off on Parnell Street, every morning a mini-van drops off dozens of seagulls. they scatter out, scarves around their heads, squalling in some indecipherable dialect, making there presence known before they scatter to the wind.
Then every evening that same van picks them up, and they re-board the bus, their beaks packed with stolen phones and food-stuff. Their work done they head back to to the squalid holes they call a home. Their ill-gotten gains given to the King of the Coastal Gulls.
We all know that these gulls live in dense seaside ghettos, on cliff-faces and outcroppings, making these no-go areas for honest walkers and tourists fearful for their lives and lunches.
The areas are run down, sh*t encrusted, and facilities are over-run as gulls abuse the system and drain it of resources. Would a thrush do that to its home? No.
Would a thrush then use a false address in a flowery suburban dwelling in order to get its children preferential treatment and access to the area's school? No, a thrush would not. Would a rock pigeon? No.
A seagull wouldn't even think twice though, and the school yards and waiting lists are crammed full of the feather f**kers. Statistics can't be released due to freedom of information and privacy concerns, but we all know about these seagulls. We see them hanging outside school gates, perched upon the backs of their Staffordshire bull terriers (without leads or harnesses), waiting for their loud children to be returned to them. Arrogant scum birds.
A few years ago a known Dublin seagull was arrested in a city centre pub with a loaded revolver tucked into his belt, and the only surprising thing about this is that it doesn't happen more often. Every day we hear about more and more gulls, each more brazen that the last, involved in criminal activity, and we need to take a stand against this.
Stories of seagulls trying to scam elderly vulnerable people out of money for shoddy, unnecessary roof 'repairs' are a dime a dozen.
A seagull who was arrested for lewd conduct on a flight to Cork blamed a mixture of alcohol and prescription medicines for his behaviour.
You see them on buses, they massive wingspan taking up multiple seats, their vacant bird eyes and expressionless faces mocking pregnant women standing, crying, begging for a seat.
So, what can we do about these seagulls?
Well, you tell me, if seagulls could be trusted wouldn't they engage with people more than setting themselves upon society as a burden? What have I personally ever done to a seagull to deserve the fear I feel whenever I look to the sky? Can our nations doe-eyed grannies, wistful tourists, laughing children, and most vulnerable not live a peaceful bird-less existence?