Friday, 3 October 2014

Film #3: 'The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence'

Full disclosure: I've never seen the first 'The Human Centipede', the entire premise (a man decides to surgically attach people in a row, one person's mouth to another person's anus, to form the titular creature) seems like a grotesque and gratuitous gore-porn fantasy that I have absolutely zero interest in.
I like horror movies, but if a film exists just as a matter of trying to gross people out, an edgy, abstract performance art piece filled with blood might be a better/ cheaper outlet for those images. Or a long talk with a therapist might be the best way to sort out some of the issues dealt with.
One time I was in Vienna and there was a ballet performance on down the street, which consisted of dances, classical music, and a large white screen with graphic images from an abattoir being projected onto it.
I have no f**king idea what the point was, why it existed, or who the f**k would recommend this to someone outside of the "you have to see this weird sh*t to believe it!" group. THAT same mentality is how I assume 'The Human Centipede' came into existence and gained notoriety.
Anyway, since I'm not paying for the privilege of watching 'The Human Centipede' I decided to watch the second one.
Because it's already on Netflix so I have to pay nothing extra to see it.

And because the plot of THC 2 is about someone who watches 'The Human Centipede' and decides to actually follow through with that concept; so I guess seeing the first film isn't necessary since this one should regurgitate the necessary reference points before executing them on screen. Yep, right off the bat this films breaks that forth wall to make a film about someone living within the standard number of walls a film takes place in.

[Note: I should also point out that while watching the film I was quite sick, pretty much unable to leave my bed; since this is a film I would only watch with a gun to my head I decided to watch it while I was held hostage by my immune system. I will save 'good' films, or films I want to watch, for a time when I tell myself that it's worth making the time to watch them.]

Right, the trailer:

OK. Right.
Well, that showed me literally everything I needed to see to make a judgement on this.
But, I have to fill up 30 days of horror films somehow so let's get this over with:

'The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence' is a film about a man who watches the first film and decides to follow through on the concept of stitching people ass to mouth in a line.
If watching a film with that concept appeals to you, seek help.
The film opens with a dumpy, greasy looking security guard watching 'The Human Centipede' before leaving to attack a couple who have locked themselves out of their car. He then throws their bodies into his van, and goes back to watching 'The Human Centipede' from the very beginning.
Watching 'The Human Centipede', on repeat, with the distant fascinated gaze of an emotionally distraught psychopath is pretty much what I expect people who "like" that film to do.
If the film contains any 'social commentary' (which defenders of it have voiced) it's that image is exactly what this film wanted to address, that horror fans are emotionally distant gore hungry deviants. Does this film tackle that idea well?
F**k no.
This film does nothing well.
If it does indeed do 'commentary' it's in a terrible confusing fashion, like a soggy turd being used to write calligraphy of poorly spelt words. Even that comparison is overselling the intelligence of this film.

The next scene involves the security guard stabbing a warehouse owner, to gain the work-space needed to make his own human centipede.
The next involves him in a quick succession of "he's had a violently tough existence!" moments involving dreams of past abuse suffered, a door-to-door therapist who is probably named Dr. Psychological Exposition, his mother blaming him for his father being in jail, and his mother trying to get a stereotypical (verging on cartoonish) tough neighbour to beat the sh*t out of her son at the dinner table. Before moving on to a scene where this dumpy guy shoots and kidnaps a mother and father, abandoning their child in a locked car, before going back to stroking the monitor playing his beloved 'Human Centipede' dvd, pulling out some sandpaper... and I really don't want to write any more about this film.

Seriously, f**k this film.

This is less a review and more and "and then this happened, then this happened, then this happened, and this happened" summary because this film is just that. A series of "shocking" things happening in a row, designed to disgust, and that's it.
There's nothing more to this film.
It's exactly the piece of sh*t it looks like in the trailer. Worse actually. Full scenes look like extracts from a badly shot student film, painfully woeful acting with stilted delivery, rubber stage props (weapons) flopping about hilariously. On every level this film radiates awfulness, but not that enjoyable awfulness that makes a film so bad it's good.

Roger Ebert wrote that "The film is reprehensible, dismaying, ugly, artless and an affront to any notion, however remote, of human decency."

If you want to know how this film ends, watch it for yourself - I have absolutely no interest is typing out any other subsequent piece of badly staged, poorly acted, pointless sh*t that happens in this film.

Out of 10, I'd rate 'The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence':

'Who the f**k thought this was a film worth making?! That person's a f**king idiot!' out of 10.

'The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence' is on Netflix UK & Ireland. Leave it there. Don't touch it or acknowledge its existence.

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