Thursday, October 23, 2014

Film #23: 'The Possession'

People? Am I right?
Sometimes they're just an empty vessel waiting to be filled with some kind of nonsense. Sometimes it's a fad, or a lifestyle, a catchy song or they're possessed by a demon, or something - I dunno. This film's probably vaguely about all of those things...
This film being 'The Possession'.

This film starts with a woman pummeling the sh*t out of herself, like Edward Norton in that scene in 'Fight Club' where he beats himself up, specifically in his boss's office in order to blackmail his boss, because *spoiler alert* he beats himself up in many scenes in that movie.
Anyway, the central feature throughout this scene and the rest of the movie is a wooden box, a wooden box that does not like to be f**ked with.

After this we're introduced to the next villain of the film, all-natural vegan healthy living people, a woman who divorced The Comedian... um, I mean, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, and moved in with a dentist who spends his whole time telling JDM's kids how hideous their teeth look - If anyone's asking to purchase a haunted box at a "My Mother Beat Herself Up" yard sale, it's these guys! In fact, I'm flat-out blaming their prohibitive diet for everything in this film.

Nothing in this film disputes the idea that if they ate meat the soon-to-be-possessing-the-daughter demon might have left them alone; just like we can only assume that it attacked the old woman at the start because her diet consisted exclusively of the poor quality of meat usually found in cat food that she consumes because it's cheaper than people food.
Not only is meat not allowed into their house, but the step-dad insists that all shoes are removed prior to entry because they carry so much bacteria. He then proceeds not not wash his hands or face immediately because the bacteria caking every other available surface in existence doesn't seem to concern him much. So, yeah, while nothing in this film indicates that "they had it coming", the fact that this film opens with them and not some random passers-by tells us "they have it coming".

Well, everyone except American Javier Bardem, I mean Jeffrey Dean Morgan. He's got his life in order, in spite of the divorce driving a wedge between him and his family, he's got a new house, easy access to raccoons & the 'boasting about having seen 2 raccoons today' that they are a gateway to, he also trains a basketball team. When his daughter buys the haunted box and begins to flip her sh*t & stab him with a fork before giving a beatdown to another kid in her class for picking up the box, he's the only one who acts in any way of a rational manner, firstly by questioning the involvement of local racoons, then spending time researching and watching demonic possession videos on Vimeo.
Specifically Jewish demons, as that's the type of demon this box stores.

Keep in mind that a substantial number of videos on Vimeo for that topic aren't the most informative...


...  unless you're looking for more information on the Illuminati; but as regards to the diagnosis of your daughters psychotic episodes this might be a waste of time. Unless...


Nope. Vimeo is not going to solve this particular issue for Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

And while this may not seem to be the most productive plan, the step-father's plan is to watch a funny movie to lighten the mood.
In response to which soon the possessed box is infesting the house with insects, and arranging to meet the child it's possessed in the car park of an warehouse, and making the man's teeth leak out of his gums.
Lesson of this movie: Eat meat, watching a funny movie solves nothing, and NEVER let your kids go to a car park in the middle of the night to meet up with a box.
It only leads to further problems.

As possession movies go this was ok. In the end
*spoilers alert*
Everyone is happy, the demon is back in its box, the step-dad is dead, Jeffrey Dean Morgan is back with his ex-wife, and they happily wearing shoes inside the house.

Out of 10, I'd rate this film:
"Overly optimistic about a haunted demon box's ability to reunite a broken family, but probably a better romantic device than the puzzle box from 'Hellraiser'" out of 10.

'The Possession' is on Netflix UK & Ireland. 'Fight Club' isn't. Any of the 'Hellraiser' sequels on there should be avoided like the plague.

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