"Dull beyond watching the slowest-growing grass."
"... watching it is an experience akin to having your emotions slowly slide away from the surface of your humanity..."
These are but a few of the ways to describe being made to watch 'Made in Chelsea'.
What I saw was much worse than those sensations...
Spencer is on a camping trip with Proudlock & Jamie, there they discuss ghost stories around a campfire, poorly pacing & relaying the details until the story is but a sad tapestry of disjointed statements. Before the story ends a scream is heard from the woods - Phoebe & Louise run out from behind some trees, delighted to have scared the group. The group are so distracted that they do not see the figures standing still in the treeline, light reflecting from their eyes, with otherwise blank looks on their featureless faces. One man wears a deer mask, woven from branches.
We cut to a nearby manor Mark Francis orders some man (dressed in a brown rabbit costume with human proportions) about regarding the placement of forks within the presses. "They must be placed in bags within those presses."
The rabbit stares straight ahead, as if transfixed by the viewer.
The scene abruptly cuts to the camp fire, the women have dispersed amongst the group, like Sirens dividing a group of lost sailors. The men are so enamored that they cannot tell that the group from the treeline has edged closer to the campfire.
As the firelight flickers across their face, it can be seen that the figures in fact have no faces, no mouths, no noses, just eyes on their heads, eyes trained on the campers.
Cut back to the manor, the two people remaining are now wearing brown rabbit costumes. "There is no moon tonight" one observes.
Unspeaking, they move about the room, a side door slowly creeks open and an unidentifiable sound draws their attention. The rabbits look towards the door, the noise gets louder, but no clearer, the room get brighter but we see less of it. The light flashes while a sound which could be a deep voice drones endlessly. A third rabbit appears, clutching torches, waving them above its head, the voice gets louder, the light flooding the room fades from while to red and back again.
The door closes, the light fades, the rabbits are gone.
We now see a dinner table, the women surrounding it are locked in a shared monologue, not a conversation, repeating the events thus far, adding no detail, never expressing emotion, each says a line or a sentence and the next person takes over mid-sentence.
They cut into their dinner of tiny cooked chickens, as they do the birds wings appear to move, wriggle, as if to suggest that if they had heads they would be screaming in terror.
This deters none of the diners, who cut deeper and more eagerly, as blood pools on their plates.
On the conclusion of their shared monologue summation of events one girl turns her face from the camera. She weeps sadly. The other women finish their meals & leave the weeping woman.
Next we are shown a club, the formerly weeping woman is now relaying the monologue in a fast monotone to the 2 women from the camping trip, they nod when she is finished.
With the exception of the main players all of the occupants of the room are facing away, towards the walls. They make no noise, they do not move.
In the same room Spencer relays the same story to Jamie, with a strained sentiment of emotion, upon its conclusion he throws water into Jamie's face & walks away. As Jamie dries his face, behind him and out of focus we can see the shape of a deer head woven from branches. As the scene fades, focus shifts from Jamie to the men in the background and their featureless forms as the turn towards the main room.
On the stage a man we've never seen before plays a guitar. We hear other instrument too, but see no other musicians. We hear a clarinet, but we see no clarinet.
The guitarist plays on and sings, the crowd gathered around watches him intently. In the crowd a woman shakes as if convulsing, while on stage the guitarist drops his guitar before falling silently onto the floor. The song, the strumming, the singing continues in spite of the performer being carried off of the stage by a man in a cheap tuxedo and a stagehand.
The lates fade. The show is over.
A firm but soft voice whispers "Silencio".
The log lady carries a log. Is that funny to you?
A pale man approaches Spencer at a party and hands Spencer a mobile phone, instructing him to dial home. The voice on the other end of the phone is that of the man stood before him.
In a red room, where shapes without physical form cast shadows on the curtains, Mark Francis is assured that the gum he likes will come back into style.