Wednesday, 25 December 2013

'A Kind of Christmas Carol'

So I asked each of the 3 ghosts who visited me last night, "if you really wanted me to be a better person why didn't you intervene before now? Maybe before things got bad..."
They each shuffled their feet & stared idly at their toes.
"But we're offering you a chance to change your ways?" Present offered.
"Remember the good man you used to be!" Said Past.
Yet-To-Come said nothing and pointed at the other two.
"Wonderful contribution!" I barked at him.
"Now you 3 have woken me up, had me wandering about time at all hours of the morning, in my PJs!"
"Look into your heart!" Past began.
"Look into me hole, more like!" I exclaimed, "So you can't change the past, Past, but your expect me to believe that you can change the future? A future that you've already shown me exists? You'd want to consult your 'Rules for Time-Travelling' manual, because this makes no sense."
They all slowly stepped towards the front door.
"And if you see that Jacob Marley again, tell him to quit being so melodramatic with that 'chains he forged in life' B.S."
They opened the front door, from which a bright life shone. Past tripped a little on the step out, I was a bigger man & only laughed on the inside. Present left next, as the ghost of Christmas Yet-To-Come walked out he turned, extended a single middle finger in my direction and disappeared into the light.
Then the world outside my house reappeared. A quiet world, a silence broken only by the sound of footsteps as a young boy passed by my front door.
"You there," I called to him "What day is this?"
"Why, sir, it's Christmas Day!" He brightly replied.
"And do you think that the police do not work on Christmas day?"
He hesitated to reply, as he made to speak I interrupted. "Get out of my front garden, boy!"
He run off.
If I could just get some sleep, I'd be a happier person.
So for those of you who didn't wake me last night:

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

My thoughts on the "It's A Wonderful Life" sequel.

I've seen a lot of backlash to this on Facebook today, so rather than copy & paste this into every post I'll just leave my thoughts here:

Dear Everyone,
If you really like - or even love - a movie, a sequel to that movie 70 years after the original shouldn't affect the original &, in fact, should be so disconnected from the original that you can probably just safely ignore it altogether if the very idea bothers you so much, if it ever exists.
Studios remake & reboot stuff to make money, but this doesn't ruin your memories of the original. Why would a sequel that is so creatively & generationally removed from the original?
Good example: Remember how we survived the new "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" book a few year ago? Yeah, that.
Remember John Travolta's planned remake of "Harvey"? Or Spielberg's planned remake after that? These.
We'll all be OK.
Thanks for your time,
- Dave

[UPDATE 20/11/12: Turns out a sort-of-sequel spin-off already exists:]

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

'Made in Chelsea', feat. guest director David Lynch - Episode Summary

"Dull beyond watching the slowest-growing grass."
"Profoundly awful."
"... watching it is an experience akin to having your emotions slowly slide away from the surface of your humanity..."
These are but a few of the ways to describe being made to watch 'Made in Chelsea'.

What I saw was much worse than those sensations...

Spencer is on a camping trip with Proudlock & Jamie, there they discuss ghost stories around a campfire, poorly pacing & relaying the details until the story is but a sad tapestry of disjointed statements. Before the story ends a scream is heard from the woods - Phoebe & Louise run out from behind some trees, delighted to have scared the group. The group are so distracted that they do not see the figures standing still in the treeline, light reflecting from their eyes, with otherwise blank looks on their featureless faces. One man wears a deer mask, woven from branches.

We cut to a nearby manor Mark Francis orders some man (dressed in a brown rabbit costume with human proportions) about regarding the placement of forks within the presses. "They must be placed in bags within those presses."
The rabbit stares straight ahead, as if transfixed by the viewer.

The scene abruptly cuts to the camp fire, the women have dispersed amongst the group, like Sirens dividing a group of lost sailors. The men are so enamored that they cannot tell that the group from the treeline has edged closer to the campfire.

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Interim Update: Gracie

Gracie keeps dragging this teddy to beside the portable heater with her.
If I move it a few feet away she gets up & drags the teddy back over.

I can't decide if it's the saddest or the sweetest thing I've seen in a long time.

Thursday, 5 September 2013

Free to good home: Wasps!

Free to good home: Wasps incl. nest (by collection only)

Be the envy of all of your friends with these delightful insects, marvel at their colours, be soothed by their incredibly loud buzzing, be "that guy/ girl with a wasps nest"!

But wait, there's more!
Home security a concern? Position your new nest near your back door, shed, or windows. Wasps are the perfect guards, full of fury and indiscriminate anger.
Bored? Did someone say "social wasps"! Never be alone again, whether in the garden (got some flowers that need pollinating?), at the pub (the perfect wingmen), or just sitting at home watching a DVD (wasps f**king love movies!), wasps can be there with you.
Still bored? Tether a bunch of them your Nintendo Wii controller or something...

Did someone say "ovipositor"?
Because wasps have got one! They could be yours!

But wait, there's more!

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

The Rose of Tralee Finale

Daithí O'Sé looks at his card to announce the next Rose, "Rohan Morrison!" he declares, then silence.
"Has anybody seen Rohan Morrison?" he implores to the crowd. As he surveys the audience a lone figure stands.
"Come." says Lord Summerisle "Come. It is time to keep your appointment with the Wicker Rose."
Now the entire audience is standing, the silence broken by their voices slowly rising, singing 'Sumer Is Icumen In'.
The back of the stage drops revealing a tall wicker effigy, steps lead to a hollow torso partially concealed by a crimson sash, where Daithí is dragged.
"Don't you see that killing me isn't going to bring back your apples?!" Daithí pleads as doors are sealed and the fires are lit. He reflects solemnly, but his words are cuts off when the sound from his microphone goes silent.
The Dome's house lights are lowered and the only remaining light is from the slowly burning pyre, the only sound the soft singing.

Credits role.

The show ends for another season.

Monday, 29 July 2013

Friday, 26 July 2013

Moths: *ssh*les of the insect world

In China Miéville's novel 'Perdido Street Station' there are creatures called "slake moths", massive moth-like things with trans-dimensional wings which subsist on a diet of dreams or consciousness drained from its victims, leaving them as near-dead comatose husks of their former selves.
I maintain that it was one of these creatures that flew into my room at 4am, flapped around my face for a while (waking me up and freaking me out), before fluttering across every hollow object in my room causing a sound akin to a beating heart in the centre of Death's chest. It did this to taunt me until I was eventually able to subdue it with a wrapped-up newspaper & trap it under this shoe box.

If it was "just a moth" it was a real *ssh*le of a moth!

Thursday, 18 July 2013

Happy Birthday, Vin Diesel!

It's Vin Diesel's Birthday! I'm celebrating that fact with some movie trivia*:

Vin Diesel's role in 'Saving Private Ryan' was cut short because Steven Spielberg said it was "too difficult & costly" to edit out the bike which Diesel insisted on bringing with him to the set. The bike had a carrier basket with a full-size model of E.T. in it, which he insisted on using off and on camera. Vin Diesel did this because he said his one regret as an actor was not appearing in "E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial", so rewrote his character's back-story to be a grown-up Elliott, saving E.T. from the horrors of war. Aside from numerous plot holes, all related to time travel, the idea didn't gel with the film Spielberg wanted to make.

Sunday, 14 July 2013

Aaron Sorkin's 'The Newsroom'. Season 1 retrospective.

If "The Newsroom" was filmed in front of a live studio audience the loudest applause would come from Aaron Sorkin clapping himself on the back.
I want to like "The Newsroom", I really do, it's written by Aaron Sorkin, I still rank the first 4 seasons of his series "The West Wing" as some of the best television I've ever seen, forcing the box-sets of DVDs on to friends and family.
And I do, I like it. I like it in the same way I liked "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip", I'll watch it, once is enough, and I never really want to talk about it with anyone; like making conversation with a stranger in a long queue, it passes the time but I've no desire to revisit the experience.

Wednesday, 10 July 2013

'The Dark-Patch Knight Rises'

It turns out that after I jog/ walk/ get exposed to any slight heat-source, the sweat patch on my chest turns into the Batman logo for 'The Dark Knight Rises'.

I know for some people the most noteworthy part of that story is that I would ever willingly jog. Well, I do. Deal with it.
It's not something I like at the moment, but I've been assured that it gets easier with time.

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Dental Woes...

I got an odd look from the lady in the pharmacy when I asked for 'Corsodyl' today. She asked why I might need it, with a tone like she was accusing me of a crime. I explained that I needed it to rinse my mouth.
"Really?" She enquired further, a steely look now engraved on her face, "I don't think that'll help."
I was feeling tired, and quite ill, and in no need for dental advice from her.
So, I repeated my request, a tad slower, only then did I realize that I was mistakenly saying "Where would I find the chloroform?"
I very hastily corrected myself, bought the 'Corsodyl', and fled.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

'V/H/S' on V/H/S

The film 'V/H/S' may have been a mixed bag of ideas with varying levels of quality of those ideas and delivery but I do like this bit of marketing for the film: 'V/H/S' on V/H/S

Monday, 4 February 2013

Judging movies by their covers...

New releases for this week and beyond...

Do you like 'Game of Thrones'? Well, the makers of this 'Game of Swords' would love it if you mistook this film for that show. They even changed the name of the movie from 'Day of Wrath' to help you make that mistake.

Bonus Terrifying 'Day of Wrath' cover:

'Cupid Dog'.
Alternate tagline: "Pray that you find love before Cupid Dog finds you..."

'Angel Dog': Don't look at the teeth! Don't look at the teeth! Don't look at the teeth!
I really hope that someone really regrets saying "Make it look like the dog is smiling on the cover of the dvd."

Sunday, 3 February 2013

New marketing decisions...

Remember that bit in 'The Maltese Falcon' where a drunk Sam Spade dual wields laser shooting pistols? Because the steel book Blu-Ray case sure does...

Or remember when 'Near Dark' was 'Twilight'...?

Friday, 4 January 2013

Monsters University

Pixar have released a short spot for the upcoming Monsters University:

Which gives me an excuse to post this link: Monsters University Campus
IF anyone hasn't seen this site yet know that it's truly one of the most wonderfully detailed sites for any film that I've ever seen; take a while to browse it, every post in every section is well worth a read!

Missed Opportunities For Bad Titles

Benedict Cumberbatch will be appearing in some of the year's most anticipated tv/ film projects:
Star Trek Into Darkness
Sherlock (Season 3)
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
and yet nowhere has used the phrase "A Bumper Batch of Cumberbatch" to describe his collected works.
Someone is bound to use it eventually, and I want credit/ blame when they do.