Tuesday, 16 October 2012

'XCOM: Enemy Unknown' - Overview

By now people who know me will be aware that "X COM: Enemy Unknown" has consumed a decent portion of my free time.
But, 'why?' I imagine them asking. 'What is it about this game that has taken a hold of him?'

Well, there's a surprising amount going on in this game, at a pace that welcomes both new players and fans of the franchise.
But planning missions, executing strategy, upgrading my base, setting out my fleet, deploying satellite and equipping my soldiers have all been secondary (tertiary, quaternary, quinary, senary and septenary) to renaming the soldiers assigned to your squad.
Stalwart men & women, one and all, who have all chosen to defend their countries and planet, are given a name befitting of someone with whom not to f**k. This act of renaming, among new recruits, is often referred to as the "opening indignity".
Currently on my X COM task force there are:

Cpt. Chris "Any Chance?" Delpoundo: An opportunist, who seizes every opportunity to f**k sh*t up! If no opportunity exists then he seizes the next best thing, his rocket launcher. Chris once had to be physically restrained from using his rocket launcher to swat a fly in the barracks, but made up for it later by using C4 explosives to remove a wasp's nest from the gutter of a nearby property.
Most likely to heard saying: "*grunts*"

Lt. Missy "Boobage" Boobington: The martial arts expert of the group, though hand-to-hand combat has been deemed to be the least effective form of combat against a species which possesses energy weapons and the technology to levitate several feet above the ground. Reluctantly Missy has been convinced to wield an assault rifle, occasionally needing to have it sticky-taped into her hands to prevent her throwing away the weapon before running at the enemy emitting a terrifyingly high-pitched war-cry accompanied by a flurry of fists, feet, knees and elbows.
Most likely to heard saying: "Rack 'em up!"

Sgt. Ms. Shooty "Chestacles" McHasBoobs: The "Chestacles" is pronounced as the "-acles" in 'Heracles', with a similar meaning, 'Glory of the Chest'. Shooty has asked many times for permission to change her name, however the request has always been refused as granting it would be seen as an admission of error in assigning names, even though Shooty had requested that her nickname remains the same.
Most likely to heard saying: "Eyes up here, mister!"

Cpl. Meanrock Destructotron: Meanrock excels at multiple choice examinations, and is most in his element when guess work is as valid an option as educated guess work.
Most likely to heard saying: "Let's flip a coin- 'heads', I shoot your head, 'tails', I shoot your *ss."

(Some Spanish Name): [Correct spelling/ pronunciation/ translation to follow]
Most likely to heard saying: "Yo soy El Diablo Loco!"

Lady Fluffyknickers: An unfortunate certainty when working for X COM is that the longer the war goes on the less likely a serving soldier is of seeing the end of it. As a result many soldiers have taken a "You only live once!" attitude and begun to cut down on daily inconveniences such as calling loved ones to make empty promises about being home soon, or washing non-combat ready clothing. Lady Fluffyknickers, however, methodically takes the time to clean all of her outfits as required, earning her a reputation as "That woman with the ironed jeans."
Most likely to heard saying: "{Due to dullness, Lady Fluffyknickers is also the least quotable member of the X COM team}"

John Who? JOHN WOO!: Bang! Bang! Shoot! Explosion! Doves flying! Bang! More shooting! One guns? Two guns?! Jump! Shoot! Bang Bang! [Exeunt Doves] Bang Bang Bang! Windows smash! [Exeunt John Who? JOHN WOO!]
Most likely to heard saying: "John Who? JOHN WOO- That's who!"

Token Hommenoire: Token was originally brought on board to fill a mandatory diversity requirement to secure funding from several foreign governments. As the X COM organisation has grown, diversity has also naturally flourished, leaving Token in the position of "just being another one of the guys", to which he has not taken well. As a result he often acts out for attention, most recently buying a motorbike but refusing to wear a helmet because "Dennis Hopper didn't wear any d*mn helmet in 'Easy Rider'! I'm gettin' myself a cowboy hat!"
Most likely to heard saying: "I'm really gonna run away this time, you'll see!"

Scotch Thunder-Jobby: ahm shure ye kin gues fah yerself tha' 'e's a local boy from Glasgo'. Aye? 'E doesna' luk layk tha' Connery fella' neitheh.
Most likely to heard saying: "Ah'm gunna lob me jobby en yor faysh!"

Amanda Geddon: Amanda claims to have been raised on the mean streets, however really grew up on Mean Avenue, a 2 minute drive from Mean Street, but still within the catchment area to allow her to attend Hard Knox secondary school.
Most likely to heard saying: "It's a hard knock life... for you!"

Chef Roidrage: Whether it's on the battlefield or in a car when a Mylie Cyrus song comes on the radio, Chef Roidrage is a near-unstoppable powerhouse of confused and often ill-directed bursts of anger.
Most likely to heard saying: "Can you smell what Chef Roidrage is cooking?!"

Miles O'Smiles: Described by superior officers as "The best red-shirt currently serving" is as best an acknowledgement of Miles's potential as any. So far no recruit has served long enough to earn the coveted "Red-Shirt of the Month Award".
Most likely to heard saying: "Please don't pick me for the next mission! Please, no!"

Jeffrey Woolybeard: Beard tending duties take up the bulk of his down-time, and he runs a beard maintenance workshop on the first Thursday of every month.
Most likely to heard saying: "A-well-a beard, beard beard, beard's the word, b*****s!"

Remington Gash Hound: With his Remington Steele-esque good looks and near effortless charm, he is as ruthless in combat as he is in the queue for Starbucks, calmly biding his time until the moment is right before casually throwing a grenade/ his correct change at/ to the enemy/ barista, with a confirmed 98% efficiency rating for never confusing the two situations. The only thing he drops fast than enemies in combat is his hands during a friendly hug; friends and enemies alike should consider themselves warned!
Most likely to heard saying: "Grab a plate, ladies! This man-buffet's open for business!"

Cpt. CiarĂ¡n "Gingebeard" O'Vorniolanus: Gingebeard has a particular drive towards being a sniper, he's opposed to inter-rectal probing and he wants to do all he can to keep a distance between his "sweet, well toned behind" and the alien's probe sticks, rods or probe-oculars! He practices clenching every free chance he gets.
Most likely to heard saying: "If an alien wants to try probe me, then he'd better be willing to lose his hand in the process."

Sq. Techno Viking: Part man, part viking, all techno all the time- with a propensity for bring glow-sticks onto the battlefield he had made a name for himself as head "bullet magnet" since "Lance Beefchest"s untimely demise, however he is recognised as being overall better equipped to 'tough it out and not get p***y out and die'.
Most likely to heard saying: "Techno Techno Techno!"

They continue their fight to avenge the deaths of Sgt. Batmo Biel (aka 'Firecrotch'), Cpl. Charlize Theron, and Sq. Lance Beefchest, as well as all of the other recruits and civilians who have lost their lives to the alien attacks or friendly fire incidents involving eager new recruits.

All in all after naming, giving a back-story & personality traits to all of my soldiers I had very little time to play the remainder of the game.

8 arbitrary measuring objects out of 10.

No comments:

Post a Comment