Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Voting 'Yes' to Marriage Equality

I'm going to surprise very few people when I say this but I'm voting 'Yes' in the upcoming Marriage Referendum.
Being honest I think the only person I surprised by declaring that news was the canvasser who arrived at my door yesterday who wasn't quite prepared for me going from a 'Who the bl**dy f**k is ringing my f**king doorbell?!' look on my face with my guarded stance to 'Oh, it's you! Of course I'm voting Yes!' open stance while yelling that exact same thing.
I didn't want to keep him long, I was already a sure vote so I let him save his energy and enthusiasm for a future doorstep.

This brief encounter got me thinking, it's hard to walk down the street without seeing a poster endorsing a 'No' vote, but in every newspaper, radio interview, tv appearance, website, I've noticed that the supporters of this 'No' side are frequently claiming to be silenced. The national podium they are legally bestowed under the banner of 'balance' must be rigged with a faulty mic, the column inches written in Esperanto, the radio chatter a dulled cloud of static and white noise as if the entire broadcasting tower was going through a tunnel, their YouTube ads endlessly buffering at the start of the latest Taylor Swift video, their websites and Twitter pages just reading a sad solitary '404'.
Taking all of that into account, I had a thought had I really ever considered voting 'No'? Had I really heard them out?
So, I rigged my personal supercomputer (read: my brain powered by some strong tea) up to all of the noise, committed as much effort as it deserved, and filtered out the following FAQ to really hammer out the 'No' side's argument and ask the questions they want people to ask themselves.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

'The Road Worrier'

Look, not to call out 'life' on this whole "art imitating life imitating art" thing, but this upcoming Dublin Bus strike could be trying to hop on the 'me imitating life' bandwagon of my Young Adult novel series set aboard Dublin Bus in a dystopian version of the future (or near present! *PPppkkkkyyyeewwwww* your mind just got blown!) in an effort to imitate it.
Just to get it out there before the strike hits, here follows the premise and a brief extract.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Fáilte Ireland: Welcoming everything but my ideas...

No one's asked me about Fáilte Ireland's recent announcement of their Ireland's Ancient East tourism initiative but someone's bound to sooner or later and all of the sordid details of how I originally pitched ideas for the campaign are going to come out.
So I'm going to preempt all of your questions and just lay it out: Yes, in the early development stages I was asked to present some ideas on what should go into the campaign to make the east-ish region of this island as appealing the that broad west part.
It's not unusual for them to solicit ideas from outside parties, a quick walk-through of their office reveals many 'idea boards' - most of which are either blank, or contain pictures of Pierce Brosnan in his 'Remmington Steele' days with no text or explanation - so they can be pretty desperate.

No, not desperate enough for me, they didn't end up using my pitch but if you look closely some elements of what they have put out part look very familiar.

Even though it was a while ago, the details are still fresh in my mind. I remember the smell of coffee that hung in the air, the 'idea board' in the conference room featuring on the word "coddle" on a printed A4 page; I remember their confidence in bringing me in to help, and I remember destroying that confidence like cat walking along a bookshelf, idly bringing everything crashing down in my wake.

I started by introducing myself then jumped right into my prepared PowerPoint presentation. I opened the first slide, then took a large egg from my bag. It was large, just smaller than my head, but remarkably light.
"This is no ordinary egg, members of the board. Or maybe it is. Or maybe I should ask you, what is an ordinary egg?"
They muttered unto themselves for a moment, looking at the egg, then arching their necks to look around me as if my introductory slide would answer this.
"It's something a bird lays?" one of them ventured.
"Or a fish?" Another man added confidently.
"Or a frog!" A voice at the back blurted out, as if they had suddenly decided to one-up each other.
"Crocodiles!" Someone else shouted.
I knew I had to reel this in, they were getting carried away.
"I'll tell yo-"
"Platypus!" Another voice cried out. "A platypus lays eggs. It's the only mammal that does."
I spotted the man who said it proudly folding his arms and reclining in his chair. The crowd muttered loudly, I heard them mention several different kinds of dinosaur and some spiders.
None of these suggestions really had anything to do with my PowerPoint presentation so I quickly clicked past the first slide or two, worried that any other attempt to engage them would end just as badly.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Netflix's Marvel's 'Daredevil'

So, because Eircom have completely cut off my internet (not maliciously, this kind of thing is just a result of  their characteristic incompetence) I won't get to watch Marvel's 'Daredevil' on Netflix any time soon.

But, good news, as compensation to myself, this gives me a chance to share the 'Daredevil' script that I slapped together a few years ago. Jameson used to do (or still do) a "Done in 60 Seconds" competition (any film you want, remade as a 60 second short film), which I entered one year, and had every intention of entering the following year - except they seemed to have borked the entry criteria or some sh*t that year, and it was just frustrating enough, I emailed them a few times but they never got back to me, so it kind killed my enthusiasm.
What it didn't kill was the fact that in preparation I had already written a few poorly-formatted scripts, one of which was for the Ben Affleck-starring "Daredevil", the script I'll share with you now.

So, I can't watch 'Daredevil' on Netflix, but I do have this substitute that will just have to do me until regular internet access is restored:



Matt Murdock Voice-Over:
"When I was 12 years old, I lost my sight but I got something back in return. My remaining 4 sense functioned with superhuman sharpness...."

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Dave After Dark.. '50 Shades of Things'

If I had to sum up, in one word, the reason why I was never the E.L. James of my day, with a '50 Shades of Grey' rags-to-slightly-less-soiled-rags story to tell, it's this: Society.
Society never nurtured my brand of poorly written fan fiction. Maybe it just wasn't ready.
And society never latched onto 'CSI: Miami' as a viable source from which to spin-off a successful series of erotic novels.
Sure, maybe I peaked too soon, and maybe it was a poor choice of subject matter to begin with, but the same way that society can build you up it can also break you down.
And so I point my finger squarely at society.

E.L. James had the soft embrace of a fan fiction site, and I had short form posts on Bebo - back when Bebo was the social network to be on. Remember Bebo, society?
But let's be honest, maybe she just had a stronger determination than me, she had to if she could go to and somehow get past the plethora of stories under the Minesweeper fan-fiction tag long enough to write anything else.
Sometimes I still can't wrap my head around that fact that people sit down and write Minesweeper fan fiction!
So, if I had to sum up, in THREE, words why I am not/ was never a household name in the erotic literature genre, it'd be these: Minsweeper fan fiction.

Anyway, in my way I did for 'CSI: Miami' what E.L. James did for 'Twilight', but who gets acclaim?
Who has publishers beating down doors?
And has questionably hygienic copies of their book flooding libraries and secondhand littering bookshops?
Not me, that's for sure. I've had zero measurable positive/ negative impact on the erotic literature genre.

Monday, December 22, 2014

Advent Calendar, Day 22

Christmas time: When every trip to any shop is a microcosm of every terrible shopping experience.